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Fear is a liar.

 fear
ˈfir/
noun
  1. 1
    an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
    "drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder"
    synonyms:terrorfright, fearfulness, horroralarmpanicagitationtrepidationdreadconsternationdismaydistress 
Fear is necessary. It keeps us safe. It helps us think logically about decisions we need to make. But it can also go too far sometimes, or in my case, fear is generally the enemy.


Okay, so you know how fear kind of like nudges you every once in a while and whispers that something is WRONG? and that you need that fear to stay away from unhealthy, downright dangerous things? I had that. About almost everything. My whisper became so loud, I could not hear anything else. It roared instead of tiptoed, it was terror in the face of light, fear in the place of a smile. Nothing was okay and no one could fix it.  For months straight I prayed, I cried, I panicked....


I had anxiety the MONTH I became pregnant.  I have always dealt anxiety in waves for as long as I can remember, so this didn't come as a surprise, but it was an extreme case and it did not budge. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was afraid to smile because I thought that meant whatever I was smiling about, would be taken away. This anxiety continued through my entire pregnancy and intensified after having the baby.
 I am learning now that I think I was having a sort of PTSD from having a miscarriage. that sounds like I had trouble with the miscarriage process. I didn't. I mean, my biggest issue is LOSING THE BABY. I have such a hard time writing that. I feel like I don't have a right to write that. Still. to this day. it's been 2 years. I don't know how I feel about that... Realizing this reminds me that it is...real. The night we found out we would lose the baby My husband told me that it's okay we will see the baby in heaven one day.. I have seen beautiful quotes that say "too beautiful for this earth" ect. All true. but none of these things comfort me.

I get sad sometimes that I'm missing a part of me. Which may seem ridiculous to you since I was maybe 7 weeks pregnant? but when they misdiagnose you with an ectopic and you get a methotrexate shot and you bleed and bleed and bleed and pass something you know is your baby? That hurts. I'm not sure there's a comparable feeling. People visited. They brought food. They talked said they didn't know how I was handling it so well.... But who ever said I was? I'm a super private person despite what having a blog may look like. I feel my pain in private. And I'm okay with that. This is not the kind of pain anyone can ever.. fix. The fear? Maybe someone can teach me to get over the fact that I think I made the decision to kill my baby. I did not demand more tests. I knew the ultrasound tech was not paying attention enough. HOW DO YOU TALK ON THE PHONE THE WHOLE TIME YOURE DOING AN ULTRASOUND on a woman who may have just lost her baby. How did the ER doctor seem SO ANNOYED?! I was WASTING HIS TIME. wasting it while my body was possibly getting rid of this little tiny human that God had entrusted me with .... wasting his time while my body betrayed her. wasting his time while I was terrified of it all - so I was too afraid to ask them to do more. check more. test more. I wasted all his damn time that night. maybe he had a bad day. maybe he just had horrible bedside manor. maybe he was just an unhappy guy. Im not the center of the universe and neither are my children... but it still hurts. We weren't important enough that night for my OBGYN to check further. I have no peace of mind about whether anything could have been done to prevent losing that baby. And if it was a miscarriage I wasn't fragile enough with my body when I knew I was pregnant. I'm angry that I have to treat my body like a delicate flower to keep them safe when they're inside of me... not angry that I had to sacrifice for them, I'd do it a million times over... angry that I didn't know?! Why wouldn't God let me know before I lost the baby? don't ask why Alicia, its' not meant for us...
So when I see blood, or when I keep my baby near me, or when I avoid your sick kids, or I remake the bottle 3 times... I'm coping. I'm trying everything in my power to make sure I don't LOSE THIS ONE. But knowing it's really not in my control.... so that fear is always banging on my door....




at least I function now. I'm fighting back. I won't let fear win because that Stupid saying that FEAR IS A LIAR? it's so so true. it's true over here. I'll fight it until I can't anymore. I'll fight it until it's gone. I'll take the exhaustion, the tears, the mental scars, and I'll push them back. I won't ... let fear control me... I have three tiny humans that deserve so much better than that..

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