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I am blessed.

Please believe me when I say that I know that I am very blessed. Sometimes I wonder if I am in a coma, dreaming all this into reality because for the most part, my life is beyond whatever heaven I could possibly dream up. I have issues, and I have problems, just. like. everyone. else.
Quite frankly, I am generally a mess. But...

Just because I am blessed does not mean I don't have pain.

And, guys, I am really hurting right now. The light in my children's eyes, the way they spontaneously dance, and the jokes they give, all pull me out of this pain, and I have good days, and I have bad days, but mostly, guys? This. Sucks.

I lost. a baby. I am not going to pretend like I know how it feels to loose a child in late term pregnancy, or especially have one born into the world and THEN lose it. No, I cannot fathom that pain. Because I know how much this hurts. I know how often I am brought back to the realities of 4 months ago in that hospital bed, waiting for answers about my body-my baby. Even in that moment I couldn't fathom the hurt I would have when they did the ultrasounds and I saw nothing on that screen, the pain that would come when they told me what I already knew ... this baby had started growing somewhere outside of the womb. The break downs I would have only by myself when I was confronted with the fact that I lost my very real baby. Baby Grace.

I'm supposed to be pregnant right now.
I'm supposed to be crying about hormones and sending my husband to the store for ice cream. I'm supposed to be explaining to my four year old that she is getting a little brother or sister. I'm supposed to be making a registry with my nine year old and enjoying my husband spoiling me. Most of all... I'm supposed to be seeing ultrasounds and feeling this baby kick.

I don't know why this has happened... and I am not throwing a pity party... I am. so. blessed.. in the midst of this pain I feel the joy of the blessings God has bestowed upon me... I cannot fathom ever being blessed with more than what I have... I cannot imagine a life more beautiful. I don't deserve to ask for more. So I don't.

But I miss her.

So I am sorry I am not rejoicing more along with you on your child's milestones. And I am especially sorry I am not relishing in your pregnancy celebrations. I am sorry if I seem withdrew and subdued... Mostly I am tired...  Real Talk? I am. so happy. for you. But it hurts at the same time. Your pregnancy clothes, your ultrasounds, your kicks and your cravings... I'm supposed to be having those too. It's an odd feeling, to prepare you body and mind for a baby that. will. never. come. A baby that you imagine is dancing with Jesus and Grandma in Heaven... a baby you never knew but miss so very much. The worst part is I have no one to talk to. Guilt friends who have their babies? or the ones who haven't been through this? the ones who have no words? because quite frankly, THERE ARE NO WORDS... ? Thank God I have prayer, the Holy Sprit who has sent some very real comfort and information in a reality that says this is silly, this is small, this is insignificant. Have you ever tried to research ectopic pregnancy? You get information about who is at risk(maybe), what the symptoms are(same as a normal pregnancy..), and how the procedures are done. Then the information just.... stops. As if after all of that happens you go back to normal. And for the longest time I DID want to go back to normal. All I wanted was for my real life to begin again... to just go back to the way things were... but I am just now realizing that isn't possible. I'm sure the stinging of it will fade.. every holiday I get this realization that I am supposed to have the excitement of preparing for another child on the way.. somehow I realize I am supposed to be very pregnant at this point... when I see cute new maternity clothes, or see your belly baring progress photos... when I hold a friends new baby....

This has to be the hardest blog I have ever written. The guilt I have for even feeling this way is unsurmountable. I want to tell myself to get over myself. I want to just move on  But somehow moving on would do a disservice to my baby. She doesn't deserve for me to regret her. And I never will. So I go on, wanting to celebrate her birthday that never came, add her to my list of children, and hold the newborn babies I wish I was going to introduce to my Grace one day... I will pray for comfort but mostly it just reminds me to pray for all those women who are losing their babies during pregnancy and after. I am reminded to count my blessings Every. Day. I am reminded that every single moment is a gift. I am so grateful God let me be mom to the precious girls I have here on earth, and I pray that he keeps Grace happy in heaven... how wrong of me to question that.

I hope that you find comfort in your journey... no matter where you are in it and no matter what exactly it is. I usually don't feel like I deserve to feel stressed, sad, depressed, or angry, about anything, especially something treated as flippant as this. But I am coming to the very real realization that this isn't always about me. I need to embrace my feelings and accept that I have them. If I don't heal, I can't be whole for the children I have here with me right now. I hope you always embrace how you feel... that you live with passion, and you accept what you cannot change.


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