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The comparison trap

I came to my blog to do a  review. A really cool, unsolicited review.... something that was given to me in a giveaway.

But you'll have to wait.

Because I have thoughts.

That I don't think I have answers to.

I'm wondering this morning why I'm always such a mess, why I can't seem to stay on track with my nutrition for longer than a month (most of the time less), why I can't have a baby, why I lost my baby. Why I am feeling depressed in the midst of being so... blessed... why I can't seem to ever appreciate winter, why my 4 year old still thinks she's a toddler completely clad with tantrums, fighting bedtime for over an hour, and then waking me up early in the morning... Why am I overwhelmed at the thought of holiday decorating... why have I never cared about holiday decorating. why does that make me feel like a bad person. why do I always think the worst of myself, why can't I fall asleep at night, why do I not fit in anywhere, and why can't I get my dog to stop biting... why is my house never clean??

Life.

is this what yours looks like? and if it does, are you okay with it?

I think I finally am. I'm embracing my chaos, and realizing I'm not like anyone else. Isn't that the epitomy of every quote we have posted from the beginning of social media? "Be yourself"
"You were made to stand out"

at the ripe age of 28, I believe it's finally time I embrace that. Why does that quote feel limited? It sounds like it should be completely freeing and completely accepting ... except when I tell people I don't like Christmas lights... I don't like the easter bunny, and I don't tell my kids there's such a thing as santa clause, the reaction is that I'm almost a monster of sorts... Should I also explain that I don't believe either of my children should feel the need to marry and have children but also should never feel like  they have to go to college and get a high paying job ? I still believe in following God's Word, but also believe he gives us heart for a reason.... Mostly it seems I fit in nowhere... And I am finally learning to embrace that. I'd rather be at the gym than cleaning my home. But sometimes I clean my home... and sometimes I go tot he gym instead... I've tried to extreme both ways? And neither work out.

Devotions....Yes. I should never start my day without them... yet since we got our puppy, I haven't woken up early enough to do them because guess what? waking up early enough anymore just wakes up the whole house .... because puppies are noisy...

I work two days a week and forgive me for enjoying the quietness of it. Except some days I bring said puppy and she... makes the office less of a haven.

My point is that phrase "Beautiful mess" is absolutely true....

I love love love my life... but it is far from perfect. I think I have the best kids in the world and I love being with them and I love that my oldest has a great school and my youngest gets time with me and my pup is actually super sweet and loving, and my husband, he's one of those guys who actually tries, and that really means something... I know because I've known the guys who don't try..  And How I respond to all this chaos and all these blessings is completely my choice, and while responding with positivity and learning is optimal, the rest is just up to me and what fits my personality. My way should not be your way and your way should not be my way and when I go online and see you have a more awesome house or better toys or a happier marriage, or kids who are way more responsible? That should not break me. Because that is a lie. Not that you aren't awesome, because you ARE. But I don't have your life or your kids or your marriage, or your skin, or perfect hair or beautiful smile, or bigger bathroom... or.....any of it... because I was not meant to have it.... God has equipped me for my life and my circumstances and to be the best mom *I* can be, the best wife *I* can be, the best *Me* I can be.. and if that includes NOT getting excited about Christmas decorations? I'm okay with that. I play along with holidays and enjoy things here and there, because I love my family and I love to see my kids faces light up when we decorate the Christmas tree or finally put lights up... But I'm not Mrs. Clause. I'm not a Victoria Secret Model, I'm not Mary Poppins, or Brittany Kerr ......and that's okay. I wasn't meant to be them....

I hope I have convinced you.. because I'm still not sure

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