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I'm not going to listen anymore.

I was working out this morning in just a sports bra. This is something I normally don't do because it tends to discourage me. I tend to think "what's the point?" "This fat on my stomach is not going to I away" and "what if most of this is extra skin and I can't get rid of it" or "what of I have damaged stomach muscle so bad it cannot be repaired"? These are all fears that make me want to not work out. All of this hard work for disappointment? Obviously I love feeling great, but how sad would I be if my stomach was never flat again?
This morning these thought popped up, but this time I got mad....

Dear ex boyfriends, current negative people, magazines and general culture:

How Dare You! How dare you make me feel like I am not beautiful! How dare you set unrealistic standards and make me think that my nose has to be shaped a certain way or my body has to curve in just the right places. How dare you photoshop girls to oblivion, presenting them to the public as if this is REAL?! and glorify women who are what YOU want at the moment? I'm NOT going to listen to you anymore.

When i was working out my body didn't feel tight and perfect. I was ashamed. When I was running around and playing soccer at 5 this would have not been the case! This WAS not the case! This was taught to me. I remember the specific moment I DECIDED (yes... Decided) I was going to give in to this culture. I had seen the way other girls had behaved and I thought that was the way I was Supposed to feel... So I did. I was looking as a magazine with a friend and I saw a beautiful girl on the cover. I decided to turn the page with force saying "I hate her!"
I in no way did.
I didn't mind that she was beautiful.
In fact, I thought it was nice. Good for her.
I honestly believed that everyone was beautiful in their own way. But as much as I proclaimed that, many, many people told me I was either lying, or wrong. Some point along the way I conformed, I listened, and I was no longer "me". I was a clone of society, trying my hardest to keep up with what they thought was beautiful.
You have no right to make me feel like I'm ugly. And you have no right to make my children feel that way. I am enough. And so are they. We are all. Enough. Without makeup. Without fancy clothes. Without getting our hair done and without starving ourselves, gorging ourselves, or depriving ourselves.
I'm not saying I don't believe in making yourself look nice. I'm not saying I'm not going to put on makeup when I go out. I'm especially not saying I don't care about working out. I'm saying that I've come to the conclusion that I will never. Be good enough for society, and neither will you. And with the way our society is, that is probably a good thing.
I want to yell out "I AM BEAUTIFUL!" and not be labeled conceited, laughed at, and judged. Unfortunately we have been taught to hang our heads low, pretend we are not enough, and continually try to fix ourselves. We are. Beautiful. The way we are. Striving to be better does NOT discount that. Working harder does not say "I don't believe in myself" it says you do! It says you think you're worth taking care of and that your want your beautiful body to work to the best of its potential. It says I am not content with being a mediocre version of myself. It says I want to be Healthy for those around me and I want to feel my best no matter what life or society throws at me.
I know personally the harder I work on my body and the more I care about what I put into it, the less it matters when someone tries I put down the way I look, talk, act... If I'm striving to be my best mentally physically and spiritually, I hear what the judgmental people are REALLY saying and that is that they are not truly happy with themselves. Something I feel bad about for them but cannot own myself. They're beautiful as well and I hope one day they know it.
I hope you know you're beautiful today whether you look like societies standards of beauty or not.

Comments

  1. "It says you think you're worth taking care of and that your want your beautiful body to work to the best of its potential." I think so many times as women, as moms, we forget (or like you are saying were taught) that we are not worth it and that we need to take care of everyone else. I am learning (yes, I have been married 18 years and have a 14 year old son) that I HAVE to take care of me or I can NOT take care of THEM! I am so glad you are learning this now. Love you girl!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Am I going to tear up at all your posts??? I'm right there with you on all of this. Here's to going back to the child like way of thinking!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. When you guys came back to comment on this it made me feel way better than when I even wrote it. Your comments were a turning point for me. Thank you both so much. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. When you guys came back to comment on this it made me feel way better than when I even wrote it. Your comments were a turning point for me. Thank you both so much. :)

    ReplyDelete

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