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Once a month

So I've been a slacker.



.....

..


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You may not know me yet but you will come to find that this is not a suprise. I have a hard time... time managing. I'm a work in progress.
So My new goal is to update once a month. Lame, I know, but I'm getting there.

So without further adou, I introduce the past month:

This month is a lot less productive than last month. That happens often, you know? I get into the flow of things and think "Hey this is great! I've finally got this... " and not a few days later things start to backfire like a 16 year old car that needs a tune up. Maybe that's what I need. Or don't need. I don't know anymore! I guess I should be clear about who I am and what my goals are.

My name is alicia and I have a negativity problem.

Yeah. I said it. I have such a HARD time not listening to the negative voices in my head. I once thought they were there to PROTECT ME, to guard my "house", to help me LEARN. Boy, was I wrong. But I'm just now learning this. See, in the past this NEGATIVITY was the way that I ... left the bad.. The way that I realized I deserved better(Twisted..I know), the way I kept the bad people away, and the way that I set myself up for DISAPOINTMENT. It worked. for a little while. And now.... now I want to smile. To laugh as easy as I breathe. To take the good with the bad, learn from it PRODUCTIVELY and ... focus. become better. Reach my goals. Because I realized that life isn't just about getting from point A to point B. And even though sometimes I have to take everything one day(or hour.... or minute... or... breathe..) at a time, I want to see life as a whole. I want to know that tomorrow is promising but even if tomorrow doesn't come, I lived well enough today to be at peace with that. I want to have enough confidence to go boldly foward, constantly moving, and bettering myself, my life, my children. I want to be that light that shines so BRIGHTLY that people get contact buzz off my HAPPINESS. MY JOY. I believe this is who I was meant to be. And even though some of those around me might think I'm crazy for thinking so... I believe one day I'll get there.


In the meantime I've been on this rollcoaster of life, and I'm learning that is just how life is, and it looks like just about everyone else is just as overwhelmed as me, no matter what their circumstances.

Something happened this week. I haven't talked to anyone about it, though a lot of people know it went down. It's kind of changed the way I think.
I realized I don't want poison in my heart anymore. because it will kill me.
I realized I want to work hard. So I have no regrets.
I realized I want to focus on my health.. that means scheduling work outs that cannot be put off...
I realize I want to get on the floor and play more.
To not worry so much about running in the house.
To be really loud when I feel like it and quiet when I don't.
I realized I want to get to the point where it's so normal for my kids to hear me laugh that it becomes a catalyst for them and they're laughing and smiling and playing so much it hurts.
I realized I want to be the one to teach my daughters their values, their VALUE, and their basics.
Homeschooling is a very big draw for me, and a lot to pray about, but I'm hoping one day soon to do this.
I want to focus more time on my HOME. Making it a loving, safe, beautiful place, no matter where it is, my MARRIAGE, and how beautiful it can be, My STUDIES, yes, I want to study again.
And I promise myself to take time out to spend time with myself. To just be who I am and do what I want. because that's important.

And above all I will be positive. Because what's the point of being any other way...

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Anxiety.


Crippling. Suffocating. Like a straight jacket warn under water.


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