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Just another story.

I have been told telling my story will help.. people. I don't see how that is the case but I figure there is some reason I have dealt with the things that I have. So I'll start out simple.


Crippling. Suffocating. Like a straight jacket warn under water.

Sounds so dramatic. So exaggerated. But it's so real. There's a quote that describes it perfectly "You don't need water to feel like you're drowning, do you?" no. I don't.

I've always had anxiety. for as long as I remember. After I had my youngest child it got significantly worse. It was no longer a panic attack that I would get over once I figured out or was proven everything would be okay. It was tightness in my chest all night and I didn't know why. It was someone is going to get sick and I know that will kill us all. It was sleeping in his room every night for months. It was waking up every few hours to check his breathing. It was my daughter has a sore tooth it's all goi…
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Whole30 again? Why?

I'm on day 9 of a whole30. I've done them before and I eat FAIRLY decent(I have my moments) but I felt like it was time to do another.
I was feeling fatigued, anxious, depressed, and my skin was atrocious. I wasn't sleeping well and my hormones were very obviously out of whack. I know a whole 30 improves all of these things so much so my goal was to just jump in and do one. I know how this goes, I've read all the books, I've done a handful of them within the last few years, and I am not new to meal prep. In fact, I have had several false starts in all of January and February of 2017 and I meal prepped almost every weekend of said months. My best friend said that she was ready to do one after a long time of considering it and I jumped on board. Something clicked this time and I have so far been successful.
Why am I doing it this time.
Besides the obvious benefits everyone explains about a whole30, I specifically wanted to feel my best mentally and physically because…

society is an asshole.

Guys. I've never been much of a blogger on facts. I've never been a blogger that's great at  being consistent.. In fact I seem to get passionate or be "set off" by generally the same things throughout the years, so I tend to avoid blogging, to be honest. But guys... girls.... general population: THIS needs to be said.

I am not sorry for being who I am. You should not be either.

Reads simply, right? It is a very common and popular perspective in the internet world these days. It should be. But as much as we write it. say it. hear it. read it.... it's still seems to be a struggle. WHY? .... society, guys. Society is an asshole. Media WANTS us to not be okay with our bodies. The retail world wants us to go into debt being unsatisfied with what we already have. This society has been set up to make us unsatisfied unless we consume, consume, consume, need, need, need, and hate ourselves, our personalities, our bodies. because that means we are constantly trying to …

Fear is a liar.

ˈfir/ noun 1.  an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. "drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder" synonyms:terrorfright, fearfulness, horroralarmpanicagitationtrepidationdreadconsternationdismaydistress Fear is necessary. It keeps us safe. It helps us think logically about decisions we need to make. But it can also go too far sometimes, or in my case, fear is generally the enemy.

Okay, so you know how fear kind of like nudges you every once in a while and whispers that something is WRONG? and that you need that fear to stay away from unhealthy, downright dangerous things? I had that. About almost everything. My whisper became so loud, I could not hear anything else. It roared instead of tiptoed, it was terror in the face of light, fear in the place of a smile. Nothing was okay and no one could fix it.  For months straight I prayed, I cried, I …

Modifying and prayer

Interesting how God changes us... what He uses and how.... He teaches me something new every day. I am back into working out after a month or so break. Before that month break I worked out inconsistently for a couple months.  Before that I was on a 3 month hiatus due to morning sickness. Before that I was working out regularly but not up to the par that I used to.. I was easing back into it while recovering from an ectopic pregnancy diagnosis. So recently I decided to opt out of my intense crossfit regime and decided to focus on just moving in the convenience and privacy of my home, and the schedule I set for myself. I know when I have the best energy and I know when my kids can have down time and I know when I'm most likely to do work.
So I'm mixing up my beach body programs to find one that suits my needs right now. The best part is I can modify to exactly what my 6 month pregnant body needs right now. Without being embarrassed. Not that I should be.. but I'm always t…


Shame. Fear.
Powerful, powerful words, and even more powerful emotions.
Mine tie in together.
For the past week shame and fear have worked together and twisted in a dance to promote havoc and emotional pain for me.
I've allowed it.
Do you now why? I have been looking at the world instead of Jesus.
I'm not saying it's a simple answer of a decision of looking up. I have a problem with anxiety that manifests it's way into every aspect of my life every. Single. Day. One problems is resolved and the next fear creeps in. I have no answers for this problem. I only have a Jesus. That loves me  that is for me  that always wants what is best for me. Always wants what is best for you. I need to remember that. So my vow is to take my life up everyday. And remember to lay it down at Christ's feet. That's a struggle. Because I'm still on edge as I write this. But I know this is a process of refinement. A process that involves me to make the decision every day to tr…

StressFactor and Jesus

Hey guys! I completely yet another Whole30 last week. January 2015 got kicked off right. I'm going to use this blog entry to explain my triumphs and disappointment of this round of whole30 and what I'm going to do about it, because if the whole30 has taught me anything, it's that it's best to have a plan of action that I commit to. I can't be sure that my plans will follow through for life, but I can have a plan set in motion to be steady with my emotions and/or actions along the way!

Okay, guys. The Whole30. You've seen me praise it. But I will be the first to explain that it is NOT the end all be all. (The end all be all is God)
As the creators of Whole9 themselves say.. it only STARTS with food.. and according to them, there are a whole 9 factors that play the role in your overall health. I tend to agree with them. I would like to add that I would rather be healthy and whole spiritually than physically any day, but they both tend to weave together believe it…